Chapter 10
When Taylor came home that night, he was a different person from the madman and
brute who had left the apartment six hours before. He came home at two in the morning,
stone cold sober. Felicity had crawled under the covers with all her clothes on and had
cried herself to sleep. There was blood on her pillow, and she woke up with a start
when she felt him gently caressing her face and her hair.
She shrank away from him, afraid that he would hit her again. “I’m sorry,” he said to
her in the dark. “I’m scared to have a baby too, and I don’t feel ready, but I don’t want
you to kill our baby. We’ll love it, and we’ll be good parents. We’ll hire a babysitter so
you can paint. I don’t think it will be as scary as it sounds.” He was saying all the right
things. But his first instinct had been to hit her. He was like two separate people. But
even if he said the right things and was nice to her, she wasn’t ready for a baby. She
didn’t like the idea of killing a baby either, but it was that life or hers. Getting pregnant
had been a mistake, and having the baby would be a worse one. They were both under a
lot of pressure. Taylor had been erratic ever since they got engaged, and he was
showing violent tendencies she’d never seen before. Marrying him was scary enough,
but having his child seemed off-the-charts crazy right now. They could always have
another child later.
Felicity tried to explain to him how she felt, lying in the dark, which made it easier
to talk to him, but no matter what she said or how she pleaded with him, he wouldn’t
agree to an abortion, and she didn’t want to do it without his approval.
“That’s not fair,” she said, crying again. “You don’t have to have it. You can still go
to work. I work here. I can’t work with a crying baby I have to take care of. Why do I
have to give up everything for a baby I don’t want?”
“Because that’s what women are made to do. Have babies and take care of them.” It
was an extremely simplistic and archaic point of view.
“What about becoming doctors and lawyers? I studied to be an artist, I worked hard
at it. Does all that go out the window when you get pregnant?”
“For a while. You can paint later when they’re in school. It’s not forever.”
Only ten or fifteen years, she thought miserably. “I want to wait till I’m older to have
kids.”
“You’re old enough at thirty-two. Who knows, we might have five or six kids and
you might love it.”
“We can’t afford it,” she said, trying to reason with him.
“Your mom can. She’ll give us the money to help us out.”
“Is that the plan? To have my mom support our family? We shouldn’t have kids we
can’t afford, and don’t even want. We’re smarter than that, we know better. We have
choices. We can choose to wait till the right time.” She was feeling very adult about it.
“This is the right time,” Taylor said confidently, and switched on the light. “If you’re
pregnant, it was meant to be. You can’t fight destiny. You have no right to do that. You
might be killing a genius or a future president.”
“I just want my life back, Taylor. This baby would ruin it, it’ll ruin everything.”
“No, it won’t. And you’ll love it, we both will.” She didn’t love it. It was going to
blow up her world and her life.
Felicity had known Taylor was traditional and conservative, but not to this degree.
These were the things she wanted to learn about him before they were married, not after.
“I’m sorry I hit you. I had five tequila shots before I came home. Tequila makes me
crazy. I won’t ever do that again.” She wanted to believe that, but he was terrifying
when he was angry. It was a new side of him that had emerged in the last few months
and seemed to be getting worse. He was getting increasingly aggressive and controlling.
She loved him, and she had thought she knew him, but she wasn’t so sure now.
Frightening new facets of his personality kept surfacing. “I’m not going to let you have
an abortion, Felicity.” He said it completely calmly without an ounce of doubt. “Just try
not to let it show in the dress at the wedding. I don’t want to upset my mom, and she has
a thing about pregnant brides. She thinks they’re all whores.”
“Why?” Felicity said in a sad voice. “Why is it always the girl’s fault? The man is
just as much to blame.”
“She thinks they do it to trap the men into marrying them.”
“I don’t need to trap you. We’re already engaged.”
“Maybe you think you need to nail me down so I can’t escape,” he said, smiling at
her, and he leaned down and kissed her. But his smile looked different now. It wasn’t
warm, it was cold. And a kiss wasn’t enough to make her forgive him for hitting her.
Felicity got up and undressed and brushed her teeth, thinking about everything he had
said, and about his mother. So now she was a whore because she was pregnant. And
Taylor had no responsibility for what had happened? How was that right?
She got into bed pensive and quiet and sad, and stayed on her side of the bed. Taylor
got in naked next to her. He was so handsome, she still thought he was gorgeous and
sexy, but he was ruining her life if he forced her to have this baby. He couldn’t force her
physically to have it, but if she didn’t, she would lose him. He had even said he would
kill her. She suddenly wondered if he meant it. He was controlling her by fear. She
wasn’t sure what was worse, having the baby or losing him. The forces at war within
her were equally divided. She didn’t want to lose him, but having a baby now was too
high a price for loving him. She realized that if she didn’t want his baby, did she really
love him as much as she thought? Enough to marry him?
The thoughts were swirling around in her mind while she felt his hand slip under her
nightgown and touch her with the hands that knew how to make magic with her body, or
terrify her. She didn’t want to make love with him after everything that had happened
that night, but her body ached for him whenever he came near her. He knew just how to
drive her crazy. He took off her nightgown and touched every part of her in just the ways
she liked and she didn’t have the strength to stop him, even though he had slapped her
and was going to ruin her life. Then he was inside her and she didn’t stop him. She
wanted him and let him do whatever he wanted. When they finished, he told her he
loved her, rolled away from her, and fell asleep. He had also told her earlier that he
loved her, and that he would kill her if she had an abortion, he had hit her, and played
her body like a fine-tuned instrument. Felicity was trying to make sense of all of it and
fit the pieces of the puzzle together, and before she could do it, she fell asleep, and
knew his baby was inside her, just waiting to destroy her life.
Taylor had already left for work when she woke up the next morning. Every inch of her
ached from the stress of the day before. She felt nauseous, but now she knew why. There
was an alien being in her body. She washed her face in cold water, and forced herself to
go to work on one of the paintings for the show. She wanted to call and set up the
abortion, but she was afraid to. Taylor would find out and he would kill her. She only
had two weeks to do it. After that it would be too late.
Her mother called her that morning, about another addition to the guest list, and
Dominique thought Felicity sounded strange.
“Are you okay?” Dominique asked her, and Felicity said she was fine, and cried
after she hung up. She wanted to tell her mother what was happening, and she didn’t
dare. Dominique was spending a fortune on the wedding, and now Felicity was pregnant
and everything was ruined anyway. What was the point of a big showy wedding she
didn’t want? They were doing it for Taylor and his parents, not for her.
Dominique had been late for a meeting, so she hadn’t stayed on the phone long
enough to find out what was happening with Felicity. She didn’t have time. There were
never enough hours in the day. And they had to go back to Paris soon for the second
fitting of Felicity’s dress. Dominique was looking forward to seeing her mother again,
and talking about her wedding too. She had fabric swatches to show Marie-Aurélie for
her dress.
Felicity got a text from Taylor that afternoon. All it said was, “Dinner at my parents
tonight. Seven .. Meet you there.” She wasn’t in the mood to go and she didn’t feel
well, but it didn’t seem like a good idea to object or cancel. She would just have to go.
She worked until five o’clock on one of her paintings, then she took a warm bath and
tried to forget she was pregnant. The thought had haunted her all day, and everything he
had said the night before, including that he loved her. She was confused by the
dissonance between his actions and his words.
She was wearing a short black leather skirt, a white sweater, black stockings, high
heels, and a black peacoat, and left her apartment on time to get to his parents’
apartment by seven. Taylor was there when she got there, and she hadn’t talked to him
all day. His parents looked serious when she took off her coat and sat down, and she
noticed that Taylor was already halfway through a glass of wine, and realized that he
had been there for a while, and she wondered what he had told them.
“Taylor told us about the baby,” Elizabeth said with a severe expression of
disapproval. “We’ll want a DNA test to make sure it’s his,” she said coldly, and
Felicity stared at her in disbelief.
“You think I cheated on him?” she said in a small voice, and glanced at Taylor. He
didn’t look at her, and she couldn’t imagine what he had said. “Of course the baby is
his,” she said, shocked. She looked at Taylor then and addressed him. “Is that what you
think?”
“I don’t know what to think. Maybe that’s why you want to get rid of it. Because you
know it’s not mine and you don’t want me to find out.”
“That’s so twisted I don’t even know how you got there. I told you, I don’t feel ready
to have a child. I want to work on my career in art for a few more years without
distractions, and have a baby when we’re ready, but not yet. But the baby is most
certainly yours. I haven’t slept with anyone else since I met you, and I think you know
that.”
“We’re not so sure,” Elizabeth interrupted her. “We want proof.”
“And you do too?” Felicity asked Taylor.
“Yeah, I guess I do.”
“And believing that this is someone else’s baby, you still want me to have it? That
makes no sense. If you think it’s someone else’s, then let me have the abortion.”
“It’s still a baby and deserves to live,” he argued.
“I’m willing to have a DNA test, but I think it’s disgusting that you want me to.
Especially you,” she directed at Taylor, and he didn’t respond. He looked faintly
uncomfortable.
“Until you prove that this is Taylor’s child, we’re assuming it isn’t,” Elizabeth said
harshly. And Felicity realized at that moment that she hated her. She wasn’t just a bore,
she was a bitch, and she was furious with Taylor too for believing it wasn’t his child.
“Good. Then you won’t have a problem with my having an abortion, since you’re so
sure it’s not his,” Felicity said to her future mother-in-law. “If it’s not, then you have
nothing to say about it. Actually, I think I like that scenario better. I don’t have to prove
anything to you. Just assume it’s not your son’s,” she said to Elizabeth and stood up to
leave and Taylor put a hand on her arm to stop her.
“Don’t be like that, stay for dinner,” he said weakly, as Felicity looked at him in a
new light.
“Are you crazy? Your mother is accusing me of cheating on you, being pregnant by
someone else and lying to you, and implying that I’m a slut, and you want me to stay for
dinner? I don’t think so. Why don’t we just quit right here? You move out of my
apartment, I get the abortion I want, and we all go our merry ways and don’t have to
spend a fortune of my mother’s money on a wedding. And be sure not to call me again
or send me a Christmas card,” she said to all three of them.
“Felicity, don’t be like that. What do you expect? How do my parents know it’s
mine? They think you’re trying to squeeze money out of me.”
“For what? The rent you’ve never paid? The wedding you haven’t paid a penny on
and my mother is paying the whole load to support someone else’s baby? You and your
family are sick. This isn’t about money. It’s about my life. And thank God I don’t want
to bring a baby into a family like yours.” She turned to Taylor then. “And I hope you
told your parents that you assaulted me yesterday, as long as we’re being so open here.”
“He told us that you slapped him, very hard,” Elizabeth said to Felicity, and Felicity
stared at them, stunned.
“I slapped him?” She had no words left to express what she was feeling, and clearly
they thought their son could do no wrong and she was a whore. She put her coat on then
and looked at his mother. “Thank you for dinner. It was delicious. Good night.”
Elizabeth didn’t say a word, and Taylor followed her to the front door, looking
panicked.
“Felicity, don’t, please, everyone’s just upset. They misunderstood what I told
them.”
“I don’t know who you are or what to believe,” she said sadly. “I can’t marry you.
I’ll go to my mother’s tomorrow. Please get your stuff out of my apartment when I’m
out.” She didn’t wait for the elevator and hurried down the stairs, and Taylor went back
into the apartment to his parents.
She was shaking when she got to the street, and hailed a cab to take her to Tribeca.
She didn’t even cry on the way home. She felt like she was living a nightmare or a very
bad movie. All she wanted was out now. She was pregnant, and Taylor was insane. He
was making her feel crazy too.
She was going to call her mother and tell her to cancel the wedding, and then she
was going to get an abortion as fast as she could. The night before he had told her he
would kill her if she got rid of his baby. Now he and his mother were saying that it was
someone else’s. His father hadn’t said a word. He was probably too drunk to care.
When she got to the apartment, she had a drink to calm down, in spite of being pregnant.
She only took a few sips and put it down. Two hours later, Taylor called her and begged
her to let him talk to her. He said he was sorry for everything his mother had said and he
didn’t believe any of it. She was about to hang up on him, and she could hear that he
was crying and telling her he loved her. She felt as though she owed him one
conversation before she canceled the wedding and got rid of his baby, which she at least
knew for certain was his, even if he and his parents doubted her.
She agreed to let him come up for half an hour. She looked hard and angry when she
opened the door to him ten minutes later. He had called from downstairs.
“That was surreal,” she said, and he started to cry as soon as he sat down on the
couch and begged her forgiveness for slapping her the night before, and everything his
mother had said.
“She gets carried away sometimes,” he explained. “Of course I know it’s my baby. I
just don’t want you to get rid of it. Give us a chance, let’s get married and have it, and
love each other.” As he said it, she remembered the little hand she had seen on the
sonogram, and the strength of the heartbeat. It was alive inside her. Taylor loved her. He
got down on his knees and begged her forgiveness, which seemed pathetic, and by the
time he was finished, she was crying too, and she was less sure about the abortion. She
suddenly felt some responsibility for the child she was carrying and a duty to protect it.
She hadn’t felt that before but she did now.
“I’ll think about it,” was all she would commit to. But suddenly it didn’t seem so
easy to abort. And maybe he was right and she was wrong.
“Can I stay here tonight?” He looked at her imploringly. “I swear, I won’t touch you,
I won’t hurt you, you’re the mother of my child.” She wanted to slap him when he said
it, but she didn’t.
“You can sleep on the couch.” She wasn’t sure which night had been worse. The
night he slapped her, or the night his mother had called her a whore.
She put on her heaviest nightgown and her thickest bathrobe, wrapped it around her
and tied it, climbed into bed and pulled up the covers. She lay there for a long time
wide-awake, tense, and thinking of everything they had said, and she finally fell asleep.
When she woke up later in the night, he was lying next to her, looking at her adoringly,
and he whispered to her. “I’m sorry for everything I said. I know it’s mine, it’s ours,
which is why I want it so badly. Please don’t kill my baby, Felicity. I’ll do anything you
want. I’ll help you. We’ll get a nanny so you can paint. Give me a chance to be a good
husband and father. I want to take care of you and our child.”
It was everything she had said she didn’t want. An instant family, and the baby was
only six months away.
Taylor gently touched her face as she looked at him in the dark, wondering which
part of him was real, the good part or the bad part. He kissed her gently, and she kissed
him back, and they lay in each other’s arms all night, and when she woke up in the
morning and saw him next to her, she knew he had won. She wouldn’t call off the
wedding and she wouldn’t get rid of the baby. It was too late. For better or worse, the
die was cast.
She told him before he left for work. “I’ll keep it,” she said in a soft voice,
wondering if she would regret it or love it.
“You won’t be sorry. I’ll be a model husband and father. I swear.” She watched him
go, hoping that he was telling the truth and afraid he was lying. But she loved him, so
she was giving him a chance to prove it. It seemed like the right thing to do.
She was going to call her mother that afternoon to tell her that she was pregnant, but she
didn’t have the energy. She felt emotionally drained by the last two days. She decided to
wait and tell her over the weekend. She had no idea how her mother would react.
Felicity went to bed and slept all day instead of working. She couldn’t get out of bed.
Dominique ran from one meeting to the next all day, with constant interruptions about
the wedding. She felt like a juggler in the circus, and spent every day putting out fires.
She had been managing to call Marie-Aurélie every day, and she and Clément were
blissfully happy and busy planning their wedding. He had found an enormous villa to
rent in Saint-Tropez, and they were all going to stay there for the wedding. Saint-Tropez
would be crowded in July, but also fun with great restaurants, discos, and bars with
lively people-watching. Marie-Aurélie told her the villa looked fabulous in pictures.
Dominique was really looking forward to the trip and to seeing her mother so happy.
Marie-Aurélie was excited to be a first-time bride, and Dominique thought it was
sweet. Clément was taking wonderful care of her. The ankle was slowly healing, and
hopefully by July she’d be able to dance at her wedding.
There were no serious problems with Felicity’s wedding, just a million details to
oversee. She had found Felicity distracted and distant for the past month. Pre-wedding
stress was clearly getting to her and setting her on edge.
Violet, on the other hand, was having a ball. She and Jamie were out constantly, going to
events and seeing their friends, and introducing each other to their respective social
circles. He had taken her to the season openers of both the Yankees and the Mets, and
Violet had enjoyed the games thoroughly. She loved showing off her World Series ring,
which was bigger and more unusual than any engagement ring, and suited her better, and
no one else had anything like it, which delighted her. Jamie grew more crazy about her
every day. It was a love match to be sure.
Dominique had just gotten home late from the office. Bill was due in half an hour, and
she had to unpack her groceries. Her chef was unavailable that night, and she had put
together a very casual dinner of some of Bill’s favorite things. She was going to call it a
picnic and set it out on the gleaming counter in her kitchen. The phone rang while she
was juggling his favorite ice cream flavors into the freezer, and she smiled when she
heard his voice at the other end. Since he wasn’t there yet and he was calling, she
assumed he was going to be late, which was a relief. She wanted to take a bath and
change before he arrived. She already knew what she was going to wear, a new pair of
lavender jeans with a big casual matching sweater, and she had ballerina flats the same
delicate color.
“Wow, I hope your day was saner than mine. Mine has been crazy from beginning to
end. And if I get one more email asking me to solve a problem, I’m going to throw my
computer out the window,” she said, breathlessly.
“I’ll help you,” he said, dreading what he had to say to her. He sounded tired. “Well,
don’t throw me out the window, but I’ve got another problem to add to your list, a big
one. I’m at the hospital with Eileen,” he said, sounding serious. “She had a car accident
today. She’s going to be all right, but she was very lucky. She got broadsided by an
eighteen-wheeler. The driver was high on something. She’s got two crushed vertebrae,
which is painful as hell. They have her on a morphine drip and she was in surgery for
hours. The surgery was successful, but it’s a big deal. We’ll set her up at the house, with
a hospital bed and all the equipment she’ll need. There’s a nursing shortage. She’ll need
three shifts a day. We can probably get one, but I’m going to have to cover part of it, and
it’s important, if she slips or falls, or falls out of bed, she could wind up paralyzed, and
we can’t let that happen. So I’m going to be on nursing duty for a while. I won’t be able
to leave the house. Dominique, I’m so incredibly sorry. There’s nothing I can do. I love
you, but I owe her this. I’ve got to be there to get her through it. It’s not about romance,
it’s about family. She’s my family, and I can’t let her down. The kids would never
forgive me, and I’d never forgive myself if something happens and I’m not around to
make sure everyone’s doing their job.” Dominique was silent for a moment as she
digested what he had just said. She could hardly object to his taking care of his severely
injured wife. He was doing the right thing, for Eileen, but Dominique was trying to
understand what it meant for her.
“It sounds awful,” she said sympathetically, feeling dazed.
“It is. She’s lucky to be alive. And the boys aren’t even here to help me. We could
all take a shift then. But for right now, I’m going to be on duty most of the time, to keep
an eye on things and make sure no one slips up. I can’t leave the house for a while.”
“I understand. What does that mean for us?” she said softly, feeling selfish and guilty
for asking, but she wanted to know.
Bill took a breath before he answered. “Two months, maybe three. If she’s lucky, six
weeks. We have to have her immobilized for now, and then there will be a lot of
physical therapy involved. I can help with that too.” It sounded like a terrible time for
Eileen, but it would be hard for him too. Exhausting and grueling. “I’m going to have to
work remotely while this is going on.” Her heart skipped a beat when he said it. She
knew what he was saying now. There would be no stolen moments. He wasn’t going to
see her at all. “If we see some improvement or find more nurses, I’ll race into town to
see you, but the way it looks right now, that’s not going to happen for some time.
Probably more like two months than three, but that will depend on her recovery, and I
think six weeks is unrealistic, and they just said it to encourage her.” And what about
encouraging me? Dominique thought. What was she supposed to do for the next two or
three months? Just lead her own life and forget him?
“If you can get away for half an hour or so, I could drive out there and meet you for
coffee and a quick kiss,” Dominique suggested gently.
“Of course I want to, but it all depends on how much Eileen can do for herself, and
how her recovery is, and if we have enough nurses. For now, I’m stuck. They don’t
know when she’ll get out of the hospital, maybe in a few days, when we have the nurses
in place, and I know exactly when I’ll be on duty. But for now, my love, I’m afraid this
is it. Phone calls and texts and a very lonely couple of months for me too. I just can’t do
anything about it.” Nor could she. She had no control of the situation. She already
wasn’t getting enough of Bill, enough quality time, and she couldn’t do anything about
this. They just had to get through it, one day at a time, and some days would be harder
than others. “I wanted to come into the city to see you tonight, but I’m exhausted. I’ve
been here all day, and I don’t feel right leaving her. She’s a mess after the surgery. I’m
going to stay here. I’ve got to go back in now, but I wanted to let you know that I can’t
come to the city tonight, and God only knows when after this. Thank you, Dominique,
for understanding.” She felt as though she had just walked into a wall, or fallen off the
planet. She had no idea when she would see him again. She already knew it wouldn’t be
anytime soon. “I love you,” Bill said softly. “I promise, I’ll come to see you the minute I
get a break.”
“I love you too. Call anytime,” she said, her eyes full of tears he couldn’t see.
“I will, I promise, and the minute I can get loose here, I will.” She knew he would,
but when? And in this grave situation, she had no claim on him at all.
He hung up a minute later to go back to Eileen, and Dominique sat in her kitchen,
staring into space. She went and took a pint of rocky road and a pint of cookie dough ice
cream out of the freezer and one spoon, took the tops off the containers, and started
eating. She didn’t need a fancy chef, or a nurse. She just needed him. The prospect of
not seeing him for two or three months had hit her hard. Harder than either of them
knew. Eileen wasn’t the only one who had been broadsided by an eighteen-wheeler that
day. Dominique had taken the hit too.